I don’t even have a fancy way to dress this up and make it sound deep and meaningful.
So the simplistic version – I’m scaring myself…Again.
I was once a stupidly aggressive and depressed individual, with little to stop me taking it too far. I am no longer that person I am happy to say as I refuse to ever let myself fall back to where I once stood. But what I am not saying is that the person I am today, is standing on a very familiar line. I’ve known this before and it frightens me to be in such a familiar place. The aggression I feel, near everyday, is something many of you won’t be able to fathom. A relentless resentment towards the world, a resentment for having been so alone for so long, for suffering far too much, for the depression it brought me for not one single f****** hand to stop me falling.
I am angry that people are so damn ready to stop being there when you need them. That I lost friends just because I didn’t want to be average. That I had to do this alone and am not far from still being alone (one or two not to be undervalued).
It’s like I want to run from the world and yet it’s the only platform where I can become who I want to be. I aim to dedicate my life to helping others, but yet resent so incredibly much that there are not people doing the same for me. I am proud to be that guy that gives up a fairly large portion of his life, but by no means does that mean it is easy.
All of this is building at an exponential rate inside me and at moments lashes out, an anger, fear and in some ways sadness that I really do struggle to contain. I frighten myself because without my outlets, without training that drains me or a girlfriend who I physically can not explain how inexplicably kind she is and prepared to help me relax, I don’t know what state I would be in without those two things in particular.
No that’s a lie. I know exactly where I would be. That is what frightens me. This is all a bit harder than I wanted, I thought by now I would be complete new, but I suppose elements of who we are can’t just be ignored, they live with us, demons in the closet, except mine rage around my mind at times. Thank god (an expression) that I have my outlets, that I am strong enough to not falter like I once did. It’d just be nice to have a few hands out, giving me help climbing my own little hills.
Aspire to inspire – No matter what.