I wrote to this blog last year as a means to an end. no, we have not reached that end, but my god are we closer.
The end goal for me had always been and will always be – Pride. I want to stand tall and say, I did what I wanted, I achieved what I set out to and I’m damn proud of the outcome. Can I say it yet? Well no, it’s not really my nature. HOWEVER! I am somewhat proud of pieces.
Don’t get me wrong, in the time I have been absent from this blog I experienced an exponential set back in my mental well-being (it’s a weird one but hear me out). A matter of months ago I found myself competing at British Nationals in powerlifting, an event which had all the foundations to be ‘my moment’, though it didn’t quite happen like that.
In the early stages of the event, things were going outrageously well, to the extent i wasn’t just competing, I was putting myself in line to make it to Worlds! Three squats into the event and I was in SECOND PLACE. Then we moved onto bench (if you don’t know how this works … Google it). Opener lift – Failed on judges command; embarrassing, of course, but no big issue. Second lift, too heavy, fail. Then it dawns on me, not only are my chances of worlds already gone (knowing I won’t get this weight), I’m about to bomb out of the event and won’t even place. Now this hurts for three main reasons. 1 – My name is off the board, this takes away my bare minimum expectation. 2 – In my head, getting to Worlds was about to be a fact, that’s a lot further to fall. 3 – There is nothing I can do to stop it, this weight is already noticeably out of reach.
I took that third lift (I even went on to finish my deadlifts which would have put me in second and taken me onwards) and it went as I knew it would. I can’t explain the pain I felt internally the second the bar was taken from my hands. utter despair that hurts to this day. i let myself fall so far, all pride of having made it there left me in the first beat of my heart after that failure.
So that is the bad bit. Here is the good.
I got there, I was on my way to achieving something I thought was impossible, setting me on the path to continue in the endeavour of powerlifting, now headed back to take a record for myself. if you know me at all, you know my failures are a big part of me, I like to stack the world on my shoulders, and then barbell. I have told myself that ‘the minimum’ does not exist, there is success, there is failure and that’s about it.
Am I proud?
Yes and no. Luckily, fitness isn’t all I have going. Clients, University, my girl, fitness, apparel, study, YouTube, Instagram, family and more. Having all of this offers me enough small success in each to pull me along when another shows failure, providing a degree of pride in general achievements. Nonetheless, me being me stops this amounting to substantial pride, none of it lasts and I see the failures over all else.
I am working on it, having made substantial changes to my life, it seems I’m getting a little closer, but we are not there yet.
Aspire to Inspire.